Ishvara Pranidhana ~"Through surrender the aspirant's ego is effaced, and . . . grace . . . pours down upon him like a torrential rain." B. K. S. Iyengar (Light on Yoga)
During last night’s yoga practice my body remembered. I am beginning to heal.
I let my mind surrender to my body and I could feel the fibers of my muscles, my skin, and even my bones recall what they need to do. As my body began to work in each pose my mind unclenched, began to trust, and again there was that little spark of hope and optimism.
Surrender.
I am trying to relearn letting go, surrendering to a “higher source”. Before This Time when my body knew daily practice, I, without thought, began to practice Ishvara Pranidhana. My practice taught me faith and that faith brought about inner peace. And really, isn’t that what I so desperately need? Inner Peace.
In “The Practice of Surrender” Shiva Rea explains that “Like the descent through layers of tension to rest in the release of Savasana , Ishvara pranidhana provides a pathway through the obstacles of our ego toward our divine nature—grace, peace, unconditional love, clarity, and freedom.”
So this practice of surrender is my focus for the week. In the mean time, Grace, please feel free to rain down.
Remind me to tell you about my thyroid postpartum rollercoaster ride sometime. For now, I will sum it up by saying for the second time in my life I am on the hypothyroid end of Postpartum Thyroiditis. My thyroid disease is obviously tied directly to the birth of my son and thus plays an important role in my postpartum issues. Initially it went hyper which was horrible. I was actually looking forward to “hypo”. Can I just say “hypo sucks”?
I’m lethargic, irritable, easily confused, just typing this is difficult. I’m also gaining weight.
Alabama, Arkansas, I do love my Ma & Pa Not the way that I do love you
I never really wanted to get married. I never thought of myself as the marrying type. I know sounds strange but it’s true.
Holy roly, me, oh my, you’re the apple of my eye Girl, I’ve never loved one like you
I met James when I was 30 and we both had baggage like you wouldn’t believe. We were perfect for each other. When I knew he was going to profess love I told him that I felt he should know about my anxiety issues before he made any decisions. He shrugged it off and told me that he was going blind (macular degeneration-though in reality he will probably never go blind). So it was settled; we were in love.
Man, oh man, you’re my best friend; I scream it to the nothingness there ain’t nothin’ that I need
We moved in together and a little while later got pregnant. Yes out of wed lock. But who were we to care. We were in love. Unfortunately the parental units had a problem with it and to prove his love to my father James declared he would drag me down to the Justice of the Peace right then and marry me.
I was not in agreement.
Well, hot & heavy, pumpkin pie, chocolate candy, Jesus Christ There ain’t nothin’ please me more than you
Eventually, after long tear filled conversations with my mother and ranting from my father we gave in and a friend of mine got certified on line and declared us married.
Home Let me come Home Home is wherever I’m with you
And that is how I became a wife and he became a husband.
Take me Home Baby, I’m coming Home
The term wife has always been slightly uncomfortable. Sort of like an ill fitting pair of pants. You know, the kind that leave that gap in the back waist so that passer byes can see your underwear when you bend over. “Wife”…”husband”…weird labels that mean little to most of the people who wear them.
I’ll follow you into the park, through the jungle, through the dark Girl, I’ve never loved one like you
Life as a married couple has not been easy for us. We moved many times, financially struggled, bumbled our way through learning to parent two children (and now three). The stress has been overwhelming at times so overwhelming I wanted nothing more than to run like hell.
Moats & boats & waterfalls, alley ways & pay phone calls I’ve been everywhere with you
This year has changed everything. I have had an epiphany of sorts. I looked at James the other day and said “You know babe, if I hadn’t been pressured into marrying you years ago, I would want to marry you right now.” And that is the truth of it. I want to throw on a white dress and run barefoot down an isle with rice flying everywhere and vow to never leave him.
We laugh until we think we’ll die, barefoot on a summer night Nothin’ new is sweeter than with you
Without him, I would have never gotten through the birth of my son the way I did. Without him, I wouldn’t be able to survive the sharp teeth of the dog eat dog business world. Without him, I wouldn’t have any hope of getting better.
Things are hard but most days we make each other laugh so hard ...
And in the sticks we’re running free like it’s only you and me Geez, you’re something to see.
And as people cycle in and out of our life, his unchanging face is the thing that keeps my heart from getting broken over and over again.
Alabama, Arkansas, I do love my Ma & Pa Moats & boats & waterfalls & pay phone calls
It’s me and him against the world…and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Ahh, Home Let me come Home Home is wherever I’m with you Ahh, Home Let me come Home Home is when I’m alone with you
Last week, for the first time since long before Jude was born, I spent the night alone with just my baby. James hasn’t left me on my own for many obvious reasons which I have been much appreciative of. Deciding to separate over night was a big decision when we found out that he had to go out of town. I was terrified that I would have an anxiety attack in the middle of the night and have no one to support me. Fortunately a couple of good friends offered to keep their phones on overnight which was so very reassuring.
I have to admit, I was teary when James and the girls left and I felt lonely in the evening but I did ok. Jude slept in bed with me and I enjoyed cuddling him. No scary thoughts. No anxiety. What a relief.
Sunday I ran the whole Heaven Can Wait 5k. My only goal going in to it was to run the entire course. I didn’t care how fast. I ran in memory of my friend Amy who died from breast cancer almost exactly a year ago. I ran with 4400 plus people. It was an incredible and moving experience. It was yet another step towards healing.
I was riding high on my successes yesterday, so I was shocked to wake up last night terrified and confused at about midnight. I spent approximately 20 minutes in a warm bath trying to clear my head of frightening thoughts. I wanted to cry.
I am so disappointed. My confidence is shaken. I have moments where I want to give up trying. But I hit the pavement running again this morning and it made me feel a little better. Tonight before I go to bed I will try to infuse myself with positive thoughts. There is so much to hold onto: my beautiful girls, my sweet babe, a husband who never gives up on me, and some of the best friends a person could hope for. So much love. Now I just have to figure out how to drown out the rest.
Magic happened this weekend. Saturday James and I took the kids to the Maragas open house and for the first time since giving birth, everyone in my family was filled with a beautiful lightness. The setting was breathtaking; the music was uplifting, the wine was incredible; and watching my oldest try to catch her breath through her smiling lips after playing tag football with a group of new friends lifted my heart.
“Mama this is the best day ever.”
“Mama, I’m so happy.”
“Thank you so much for bringing me to the party mama.”
When I was in labor she lay in her bed curled up a in a little ball with an aching stomach. She was so scared. After I gave birth she continued to complain about her tummy hurting and through tears told me she wanted my stomach to go away.
It’s been a rough road for my oldest since then. From one day to the next I’m not sure what mood she’ll be in. There have been tears, fits of anger, and sadness. She lashes out at her sister and both James and I and then cries for cuddles. I swear I have worried about her more than the baby.
She is my first baby. She saved my life. She is the reason I am who I am today. And now it’s my turn to help her pull out of a nose dive both at home and at school. To be honest, sometimes I am terrified I will fail her.
But this weekend the beautiful, intelligent, funny, loving little girl I have always known her to be returned and I am holding on to her for dear life. I can feel her try to slip away, but I won’t let her go. She will be alright.
